Saturday, August 29, 2009


I was sitting in a hard plastic chair. I was a kindergardener all over again, playing quiet time while waiting for my grandfather to enter the room.

He had been admitted into the hospital yesterday.

Several minutes pass, and he stumbles into the space. He clumsily hooked his IV to the rack above his bed, and collapses onto the mattress, nearly falling off of it in the process.

"Life is fragile," he says, muttering and slurring his words in the process, "this is the lesson we have to learn from this."

His pancreas appeared fine. Just an unnamed, one-time glitch in the complicated symbiosis of the body. Or at least, hopefully it will only happen once.

Because as he said, life truly is like a windowpane, broken with a predictable force or an unexpectedly high-pitched shriek.

Last Night

I had acquired a puppy. It was an extremely hyperactive dachshund. As I played with it, it started shrinking.
I put it in a hamster ball to keep it safe while it was running about- however, it would run into walls and one of its many legs would get bent. I look closer and inspect the wheel. There are cracks all over.

This is the point at which I realize my dachshund has turned into a bug.

It DID have many legs...they were all bent in opposite directions. I felt sorry for it, but I couldn't hold it because then I would hurt it more.

I let it out of the hamster ball, and it crawls away. I want to grab it and cup it in my hands, but because it was a bug, I was afraid.

I don't know how it died. All I remember is that it did.

Then, I went up to the mountains to find you in your little cottage. You took the subway to get there. The mountains were always really high and overpowering, the moon almost bigger. It was always terrifying, but beautiful.

For the first time, you weren't home.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Coffee, Part 1

A work of semi fiction.

If you were here, I'd invite you to coffee. Actually, I don't believe you drink coffee. So, you would be drinking orange juice and I would be drinking a delicious cup of the drink that will keep me short forever. Coffee is the perfect cure for loneliness.

I like picturing sitting next to you, your fingers playing with my labyrinthine curls. This is proof that I'm hopelessly dreaming, because I don't have any labyrinthine curls to play with anymore. We would be sitting across from each other, a cute round coffee table and a wall of anger separating us both. Most likely, you'd be trying to catch my eye, while I would be trying to evade every glance.

Perhaps you would question my patterned, bald head. However, that sounds like a thought flying out of my hopeful subconscious once again; You were never one to ask much. That fact would contribute to the invisible barrier in this imaginary situation. I wonder what you would say to me if you agreed to such a meeting. I wonder if you would say anything at all.

Today, I swore that I would make sure my life changed for the better. Of course, I always promise this, and somehow, it never falls through. I can't help but imagine that the number of miles between you and me are all vows against me, to keep me from turning over a new leaf. I'm supposed to focus on myself now that you are gone, but the lack of your presence has only made you MORE present... in my mind, that is. Your image has permeated every cell in that useless organ called the brain. All that occupies my mind nowadays is coffee, orange juice, and you. This leaves no space to consider escaping the hell that is here; I can only figure short-term solutions to the problem.

My first goal is to grow back those curls. Once I lost my hair, the rest of my life fell down the drain with it. I still like to believe that if I look like I once did, everything else will fall into place. I can drop my addiction, I can escape life in this hellhole called Ganea Ganeum. Of course, the first rule here is that long hair is prohibited- it makes it easy to identify who is paying and who isn't allowed to leave.

Kiss-In at Battery Park!

I attended this event the other day to protest homophobia in Battery Park. It was organized so that in multiple cities, homosexual as well as heterosexual couples would all be kissing at the same time. I went with a friend, just for the heck of it, and it was actually very interesting. Our group were the youngest there, but because of that there was probably the most attention given to us, considering that we were part of the new generation, and all that jazz. Either way, thanks to the blogger(s?) at, I found some videos of me, sharing stories, and of course, kissing ;]

as for the kissing videos, ill leave YOU to find those yourself.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Psychological Rant # 1

Distance is such a strange concept. How can you tell when someone is distant? Of course, they aren't physically so- or maybe they are, but it's never what you are referring to.
A lack of emotion and feeling towards a specific person- that is the textbook definition of "distance".
Such a theme can rule every thought in your life. People grow apart. People grow closer together. Why? Sometimes its unexplainable, a sudden curve which drives someone else away. Surprisingly, we don't cling on to the people of our childhood memories as much as we should.
Sometimes, people are sporadically distant, alternating between "I love you"s and empty silence. Those are the people you should watch out for. It may be a defense mechanism, but naturally puts everyone on edge.
But how strange is it to encounter someone just the day before you kissed on the cheek, to have them treat you with cold indifference? Different people respond in different ways, but they always have a justification; whether the justification is true or not, I can only guess.
Sometimes, its good to outright point out when such a phenomenon occurs, but sometimes, it makes them even more afraid. Fear is ALWAYS the enemy. Once you are afraid, no one will make any progress and will DEgress into cold silence.

It's interesting to think about, what makes you afraid.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

what I really hate...

is that we all need, need, need somebody to love.
Be my best friend?
Be my lover?
Lets leave the rest of the world behind.
Take me out of my murky depression
and into the bright sunlight.

I'd do the same for you.
I'd save you. I'd fix you.
Maybe I just love you.

Friday, August 7, 2009


You make me lose focus.
I see life behind a film, dizzily dreaming in another world.
You aren't an obsession, just an interest.
That feeling is completely new- you bring out the healthy side in me.

I like like like you a lot.
I want to see the words behind your eyes, the impulses behind your fingertips, the murky pictures forming in your brain.
I want to learn who you are.
I want to understand it all.

You are my little mystery.