Friday, July 31, 2009

The 25 things you probably never knew about me, and I probably never knew about me until I got around to thinking about it. (oh, wonderful facebook.)

SIDE NOTE: this is copied from a note on facebook. I found it especially representative of me. It was written at five in the morning;; I apologize for some of the redundancy.
...Which is why its time for this one. Know you prolly don't care, everyone does this, but its cute and I like it so go suck on ma dick. I mean that in a loving way, of course. If you do read it, it'd be nice to know though...this is mainly a lot of things ive been thinking about and never told anyone, compiled in one neat little forum.

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.
(It's actually true. I eat this shit like candy. This is also proof that I don't make sense or maybe I make too much sense when i'm sleepy. One of the two, you decide. this is too much info for a tiny little comment within a set of parentheses. I will stop now.)
1. I have an annoying habit of talking too much about little things that happened in my day. Believe it or not, i'm not all that self-absorbed. Normally when I do things like that, translate it to "I want to talk to you, and/or be your friend, and/or be a better friend, and/or your adorable and I want to give you kisses RIGHT NOW but thats innapropriate so I will talk to you and be friendly instead." Basically, you're not sharing enough about yourself.
2. I believe that honesty is the greatest virtue to have of them all. Sometimes, I don't adhere to that rule, but I always try and most of the time I succeed. Try and trust me, please.
3. If you ever stop talking to me, beware. I'm the kindof girl who's horrendously clingy in the sense that I will leave you messages saying how sorry I am and how much I adore you until you come back to me. If you never come back to me, I think I will never stop leaving them, but I wouldn't know, because that's never happened...yet.
4. I am a hopeless romantic. A really. hopeless. romantic. Sometimes i'm worried i'm in love with the world. Which sucks, because not everyone in the world loves me back. Once I acquire someone to focus my attention on, they are the highlight of my life. Period.
5. I still am looking for someone. Not a boyfriend or a girlfriend especially, but a best friend. I have many best friends, and I adore them to death, but I believe that there is a person out there, maybe just one, who really just GETS it. He/she would understand me and appreciate what I say. We would be like one organism in two separate bodies, in a perfect symbiosis. Is that too poetic and/or weird? I think so. But I don't really know how else to describe it. I don't know how to describe this person until I find him or her. Once I do find this trait, I will know I have a friend for life.
6. There is nothing I love more than anything else in the world than something that lets me know I'm cared about. I have a knack of feeling alone when I've never been more NOT alone, but it's just because I forget so many people love me. I forget a little too easily sometimes.
7. I just said this to Alex Rubin, and I think it demonstrates my outlook on life: everyone should love everyone. and everyone should respect that they are awesome enough to be loved. and they should not be a hoebitchskankbag about it.
8. Subway stations really are magical. I think they are. My favorite thing to do is to travel to an outside subway station, put on something mellow and beautiful on my ipod (if i tell you my example you will call me a hipster) and just breathe, dance, sing, whatever comes to mind. People stare but the feeling you get that you are free, you can go anywhere, the whole city is in the palm of your hand- that is amazing.
9. This is a fact you probably know: I will never do drugs or alcohol. But I figure its such an important moral in my life so I may as well state it here. I will not judge you if you undertake said activities, nor will I get on your case about it- it's your decision, not mine. However, if you are ALWAYS high/drunk when I see you, I feel like its stealing away the true person underneath that is my friend.
10. My dream is to be able to support myself by going out on stage and pouring out all my feelings. I have tried many different mediums to accomplish this. I wasn't good at drums, and I felt like I would never match up to all my amazing friends who play guitar. Bass gave me uncomfortable blisters, and I could never read poetry aloud. The only medium I have is my voice, and I like to use it often- however, I worry I will never be good enough to accomplish my dream.
11. I see in black and white. Shades of grey make me nervous. In other words, I like traits that I can solidly define in people. When people act out of their character often or skip back from nice to mean, good to evil, I start getting anxious and confused.
12. There are some things that have happened in my life that I have never told anyone. They have scarred me and made me the person I am today, and that's a scary thought. No one knows the details. I don't like telling people those stories because I am scared they will look at me differently...maybe not in a bad way, but differently nonetheless.
13. I go through phases where I am extremely depressed for little to no reason. Or maybe there are big reasons, but I haven't realized them yet. They are extremely embarrassing to me, because those phases have driven depressing statuses on facebook, which have also made me feel like a melodramatic emo kid. However, I guarantee you- all my feelings are real. I just need to stop the whole public announcement thing, somehow.
14. I am pretty pessimistic, except when im optimistic. Maybe im just a realist. Or even more likely, maybe I don't make sense. However, I know for a fact that for some inexplicable reason, I always have advice to give- surprisingly I can relate to a situation MOST of the time.
15. I am in love with spain. However, I am also in love with New York, except it's the kindof obsessive love that makes me go batshit when I am away. Spain is my mistress. If I could ever drag myself away from the city, I think I would live there.
16. I don't like to think about the bad in people. Once we have established a relationship as friends, you have earned yourself a friend for life. Of course, if you do me wrong you will pretty much break me and I will freak out at you- but of course, this is hard to accomplish and I always feel sorry and come crawling back to you, most of the time after about as short of a time as a week or a couple days.
17. Funnily enough, everyone who I have ever liked or dated since I was about 11 plays guitar. Every. Single. One. Something about it is intensely attractive. The only exception is Xavier. Sorry Xavi...:P
18. I am bi-sexual. You probably already knew that, though. If I had the choice, it would be not to be attracted to girls- they are way too much drama than what they are worth, normally. However, I have come to the conclusion that I do NOT have that choice. I came out in 7th grade.
19. Before I came out, I used to be incredibly homophobic- I was not disgusted by gays, but i was uncomfortable with the idea, incredibly so.
20. Normally I judge a place by the people within the premises. The only exception is the subway system, mentioned above. It is beautiful no matter what.
21. I used to wish I would break a bone so then I would get lots of get-well letters. Now, I realize this is stupid- I want to break a bone so I can make my cast into a work of art.
22. All this talking about me is making me more and more self-conscious by the minute, making my facts shorter and shorter.
23. Some of the questions I have in life include: What lives underneath the pavement? Do bugs have hearts and brains? When is it morning and when is it night? Why does daylight affect us so? What do nocturnal people think about the light? Why do I ask all these questions? Why the fuck do I care? Ah, but I do, I do, I do!
24. I have an inability to scream. I can squeak awful loud, but I cannot scream. I think I lost that ability years ago. Screaming scares me.
25. I laugh too much for my own good. I'm not an idiot, i'm just high on life.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

This time last year I didn't know you

what an impact
a change of scenery could make
but a sudden breeze
blew you away (blew you away)

so i can only sit and wonder
what you could be doin
today, today

lets paint rainbows in the sky
pretend everythings alright
and ill keep on wondering
what youre up to

but theres no place id have rather been
to watch you burn away
(if only you stayed, if only you stayed)

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Happy Birthday to ME!

Already today, I've shown traits of sickening love to everyone surrounding me, with a twist of mania- After all, who else goes to sleep at 2AM and wakes up at 5AM, practically jumping out of bed.... with no alarm? I have the kind of enthusiasm small children reserve for Christmas Day.

I have been up for about two hours now, and I can barely contain my excitement. What exactly I am excited for, I have no idea. Maybe because this is the day I can really hog all of the attention I want without being a bitch about it. Or maybe I'm overjoyed to leave the shady area of early teenhood and become more of the real deal, so I can be less insecure of my age?

Either way, I can feel it in my bones. This is going to be an amazing day. That might be my mania speaking YET AGAIN, but even so- I will make it a great day. My alarm for waking up will go off an hour and a half from now, and by then I think I will set out shoes, find jewelry, clean my room, resist the urge to run around in circles excitedly, and maybe get a latte so I don't crash later. Then again, when it comes to birthdays- I just don't get wiped out until one in the morning the next day...or in this case, probably six.