Tuesday, September 29, 2009

32 hours and counting

when I received the letter, I decided to stay up that night.
Controlling that one aspect of my life comforted me. I didn't want to wake up. So, the only answer was to not go to sleep.

I'm drifting.

Right now, I have an inner calm within my chest. but this inner calm is the calm after, or in the eye of the storm. the calm you have after crying, the calm you have after hyperventilating- its not a calm that says things will be alright, but it is a calm nonetheless.

I like calm.

I don't want to sleep. I don't want to dream. I don't want to think of anything.
I just want to sit here, a blank slate for a while.

but yet again, I am neither enjoying this nor hating it.
I am just


Sunday, September 27, 2009

I am way too comfortable around you

I can feel the vibrations in your throat.
I can taste the brown in your eyes.
I can hear the wall of noise that surrounds you.
I can see the bruises where my lips touched skin.

you speak quietly to me.
but sometimes, sensory description just doesn't cut it.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

simple words, complicated meaning

I have always loved you.
As an enemy, as a friend, as a lover.
All I have ever done

is loved you.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Summer to summer

memory to memory. They flit in and out of my mind like dampened fireflies, little moments that I have no control over seeing.

Everything is so overwhelming. Mini films play and collide as I dream of moments that happened long ago. Everything from my first relationship to moments of absolute hysteria are all overlapping in my mind and it is way too much.

I remember days like last summer. I waited in central park all day for when he would come back home around four. I was to meet his parents. From 8 in the morning until then, I laid in the grass by myself and just stared at the sky, dreaming. The summer was never more perfect. I remember taking the one train downtown on me and his first date together, because the express would be too fast for me to bear. I remember going to orientation at my new school, being completely intimidated, but reassured with the fact that someone would be waiting for me outside the building as soon as it was over.

I remember the long subway rides that constituted the beginning of THIS summer. I remember dancing and singing and smiling on the platform on my birthday, waiting for the F train by myself. I remember (nearly) every ride into bushwick, walking out in between cars as the J/M zooms across the williamsburg bridge. I remember the travels uptown, dodging glances from strangers in fear that they would be someone I would know. Sometimes anonymity is a gift, especially in the tunnels.

I'm just a little bit trapped in my memories. This summer still just feels like a long, wonderful, horrible dream. Then again, this has always been the case with every june, july, and august.

So let me swim dreamily through this world, living in the past until the summer arrives again. This is how i've lived all my life, just trying to escape those winter blues.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

unconditionally obsessively missing you

You make me want to pick up my guitar and write a sad, lonely, cheesy country song.
Except. I'm not good at country songs. and country sucks ass to begin with most of the time, anyways.

I did write a song for you. I did, I did, I did! A while ago. Now, I am editing the lyrics, because I have decided to give it to you.

Because, I don't know what else to give anymore.

This is me. This has always been me, and perhaps always will be me. The people that surround me mean more to me than oxygen, than water, than the basic molecules that I need to survive.
That fact is semi-ironic, considering that if I wasn't alive, I wouldn't be able to enjoy them/love them/write sad, lonely, cheesy country songs about them anyways.
But...somehow I know it is true.

There is a guitar in my room. It is mine now. It sounds like shit, it's most likely out of tune, but it looks pretty and it is mine.
I like it.

But I will, I WILL, find a way to let you know how much you mean to me. Because how can you hate me if you know that you were one of the best friends I have ever had? I'm going to keep on trying. I don't care what your friends say about me. I don't care how many times you will dash behind a locker or back door to avoid me. I'm not going to back down anymore.

Long-term Goals:
1. Do not have a panic attack every time I see you in the hallways.
2. Do not look away when you make eye contact with me.
3. Find out which locker is yours. Write a note. Leave it in your locker.
4. If step 3 does not work, which it won't, hand the note to you personally. Resist hyperventilation as I actually attempt to come within six feet of you.
5. If step 4 does not work, which it won't, find a friend to give the note to you. Resist hyperventilation as I watch this exchange happening from afar.
6. If step 5 does not work, which it won't, chase you down the hallway until you can't run anymore, so I can stuff this note in your hand.
7. Once note-giving has been achieved (a harder task than you think), burn copy of song written for you onto CD. Repeat steps 3,4,5, and 6 until CD gets to you.
8. Pray that you will listen to CD.
9. Hope that you will understand the lyrics on CD.
10. Worry that you will laugh at my pathetic attempts to play guitar on CD.
11. Remember what a great guitar player you are, hope that I get a response from all the effort I put into recording that CD, and cry.
12. ????
13. Start and repeat?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Reverse Dictionary search

I was (and still am) trying to look up a word to represent living life to its fullest, or in other words, the opposite of living life vicariously. It's for the blogs new name- "Easy as Pie" is completely irrelevant, because nothing is easy, and I do not make multiple references to pie. I was thinking something that had to do with word play, and this is a beginning.

These are the words that came up when I typed "living life to its fullest" into OneLooks reverse dictionary page. (http://www.onelook.com/reverse-dictionary.shtml)

1. vital 2. lively 3. animate
4. alive 5. vivacious 6. living
7. inactive 8. zen arcade 9. vivid
10. age 11. breathe 12. way
13. vigour 14. old 15. animated
16. sprightful 17. green 18. rusticate
19. zippy 20. kill 21. exist
22. biology 23. liveable 24. hack
25. spirited 26. dissipate 27. wear
28. folk 29. energy 30. prime
31. animation 32. term 33. people
34. brisk 35. revive 36. boys for pele
37. bouncing 38. walk 39. biotic
40. evening people 41. right of privacy 42. david ruhnken
43. world 44. unlive 45. subsist
46. move 47. biogenesis 48. live out
49. mortality 50. life span 51. dead
52. lestobiosis 53. planomania 54. survive
55. lifeless 56. hard 57. jolly
58. tribulation 59. breezy 60. habit
61. emeritus 62. full of life 63. immature
64. instinct 65. alive 66. eventful
67. young 68. oyster 69. sallust
70. flush 71. robust 72. swank
73. indian 74. be 75. bohemian
76. deathbed 77. rural 78. biological
79. life support 80. recluse 81. life line
82. monogenetic 83. fulfill 84. hermit
85. society 86. home 87. neonatal death
88. roam 89. demographics of mongolia 90. live birth
91. poverty 92. demographics of benin 93. erika slezak
94. marine biology 95. quality of life 96. stipulate
97. basic income 98. rough 99. phoenix (mythology)
100. ladytron

They grow increasingly more random as you head to the bottom, but what a wonderful set of words.

I'd like to do a project where I write a short essay about a key word every day for a year. that'd be interesting. Maybe I should do that. Maybe I should start a blog for that. hmmm...