Saturday, September 19, 2009

Summer to summer

memory to memory. They flit in and out of my mind like dampened fireflies, little moments that I have no control over seeing.

Everything is so overwhelming. Mini films play and collide as I dream of moments that happened long ago. Everything from my first relationship to moments of absolute hysteria are all overlapping in my mind and it is way too much.

I remember days like last summer. I waited in central park all day for when he would come back home around four. I was to meet his parents. From 8 in the morning until then, I laid in the grass by myself and just stared at the sky, dreaming. The summer was never more perfect. I remember taking the one train downtown on me and his first date together, because the express would be too fast for me to bear. I remember going to orientation at my new school, being completely intimidated, but reassured with the fact that someone would be waiting for me outside the building as soon as it was over.

I remember the long subway rides that constituted the beginning of THIS summer. I remember dancing and singing and smiling on the platform on my birthday, waiting for the F train by myself. I remember (nearly) every ride into bushwick, walking out in between cars as the J/M zooms across the williamsburg bridge. I remember the travels uptown, dodging glances from strangers in fear that they would be someone I would know. Sometimes anonymity is a gift, especially in the tunnels.

I'm just a little bit trapped in my memories. This summer still just feels like a long, wonderful, horrible dream. Then again, this has always been the case with every june, july, and august.

So let me swim dreamily through this world, living in the past until the summer arrives again. This is how i've lived all my life, just trying to escape those winter blues.

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